Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"Monkey on my Back"

Do you ever feel like you are carrying around a "Monkey" on your back?? I think I have felt that way a lot these days.  For starters, I have spent years relying on the wrong people.  Whether is has been friends or relationships I seem to sometimes take on more than one can handle.  One of my best friends and I have come to the conclusion that we are attracted to people projects.  Although you are aware from the get-go that you cannot change someone, you try your damnedest to "help" them.  However, when the relationship comes crashing down for some reason you are surprised??

For me personally, I have either dated the emotionally unavailable,the addicted to something, or the unreliable men.  I think that people with a problem are attracted to natural care-givers.  I have always loved taking care of others and I am gratified when I feel needed.  I know there are some people out there that would not take advantage of someone like that, but many do.  I guess there comes a point in life where you become a "hardened heart".  Scorn by past experiences or unwilling to allow history repeat itself you become a different person.  For me that has resulted in being very distant and almost disconnected. 

I am not the girl that gives up easily.  I stayed with a hopeless addict for years to keep my family together.  I sacrificed everything to keep my marriage knowing that I could "fix" him.  It took him finally getting arrested to wake me up that this was not a battle I could not continue to fight.  Then, immediately following my divorce I dated my best friend... not good situation either.  He is a great friend, terrible boyfriend.  Marching to the beat of your own drum, schedule and needs are fine... but when you fail to realize that once a week communication is a must to keep a relationship together its time to move on. 

My good friend **Roy** as he calls himself reminded me last night of one of the most important parts of my life these days.  He said that I motivate him to do things he doesn't want to do some days.  To know that my journey or struggle has inspired at least one person is a victory to me.  So, I am going to continue to remind myself that it is not anyone else that defines my happiness.  It is solely up to me.  I have to spend this time to focus on "me"... even the new version of me I am still getting to know.    

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