Do you ever feel like you are carrying around a "Monkey" on your back?? I think I have felt that way a lot these days. For starters, I have spent years relying on the wrong people. Whether is has been friends or relationships I seem to sometimes take on more than one can handle. One of my best friends and I have come to the conclusion that we are attracted to people projects. Although you are aware from the get-go that you cannot change someone, you try your damnedest to "help" them. However, when the relationship comes crashing down for some reason you are surprised??
For me personally, I have either dated the emotionally unavailable,the addicted to something, or the unreliable men. I think that people with a problem are attracted to natural care-givers. I have always loved taking care of others and I am gratified when I feel needed. I know there are some people out there that would not take advantage of someone like that, but many do. I guess there comes a point in life where you become a "hardened heart". Scorn by past experiences or unwilling to allow history repeat itself you become a different person. For me that has resulted in being very distant and almost disconnected.
I am not the girl that gives up easily. I stayed with a hopeless addict for years to keep my family together. I sacrificed everything to keep my marriage knowing that I could "fix" him. It took him finally getting arrested to wake me up that this was not a battle I could not continue to fight. Then, immediately following my divorce I dated my best friend... not good situation either. He is a great friend, terrible boyfriend. Marching to the beat of your own drum, schedule and needs are fine... but when you fail to realize that once a week communication is a must to keep a relationship together its time to move on.
My good friend **Roy** as he calls himself reminded me last night of one of the most important parts of my life these days. He said that I motivate him to do things he doesn't want to do some days. To know that my journey or struggle has inspired at least one person is a victory to me. So, I am going to continue to remind myself that it is not anyone else that defines my happiness. It is solely up to me. I have to spend this time to focus on "me"... even the new version of me I am still getting to know.