Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tough People Make Tough Decisions

October was a very difficult month for me.  Obviously that is the last time I blogged.  In October I underwent two separate eye surgeries and was once again taken off work from the job I love; teaching.  Being ill takes a toll on an individual as it is, but being off works adds additional stress that often one cannot control.  Regardless, I have much to be thankful for.  I spent the entire month of November updating my Facebook status daily for all of the things that I am thankful for.  Some of these items included my family, my sister, Matt, my friends and most of all my children.  These are the people that I cannot imagine my life without. But most importantly, I cannot imagine not being able to see any of these people again.  I despise having vision problems. Even more I despise the constant tests and medication.  I HATE taking all of these shots and pills.  And these are all the reasons I've silenced myself over the past few months.

I have been able to pride myself in one thing since I became ill and started this journey.  I was confident in overcoming my difficulties.  I was strong and courageous.  And most of all, I was extremely positive.  But for reasons unknown to me I have struggled these last 90 days to remain all of the above.  I have grown tired of the unknown and the scary reality.  I have lost my patience in being the case that no one seems to have an answer for.  I have grown tired of taking medicine that makes me incapable of feeling like myself. And, I have grown tired of fighting insurance companies.  I have grown tired of feeling dependent on others for survival.

So, now that I have all of that off of my chest I can begin to dig deep and find my happy again.  For a long time I had thought that finding out the why and hows of my diagnosis would help me find clarity and peace.  But now knowing that billions of dollars and hundreds of specialists may never provide me answers I must just gain acceptance.  After a visit with a new specialist in Dallas I have decided to discontinue some of the medications that I take that make me feel so terrible and center treatment to my eyes directly.  Although choosing this may put me at risk for additional surgery, I am willing to try.  I want to see my daughter's face light up when she sees me in the carpool line at school.  I want see my son's chapped lips and ornery grin.  I had my most recent round of Kenelog injections last Monday.  These injections restored my vision last year and I am counting on them again.  I have been unable to see out of my left eye since June and I am happy to report that it is beginning to clear.

If anyone ever gains anything from my writing I would hope that it is to not let life pass you by.  Be aware that there will be trying times but you can persevere. Pay forward kind deeds and show gratitude to those deserving.  Realize that everyone is entitled to a bad day.  Understand that sometimes a hug and an open ear is all someone needs.  And most importantly, don't just tell those you care about how you feel... show them.  Happy Holidays....

~love the life you live.